[Book Review] Dead Ends by Tony Moyle

Dead Ends by Tony Moyle is the third book in the How To Survive the Afterlife book series. If you’re looking for a humorous read with some great characters, I highly recommend this series!

I took my time getting through this one so I could really take it all in. Even so, I was so sad when it ended simply because I didn’t want it to end!

If you missed my review or interview with Tony for The Limpet Syndrome or Soul Catchers, feel free to check them out and then come back here.

Full disclosure: I was given a free copy of this book by the author in exchange for an honest review. This did not affect my rating in any way. 

Let’s dive in!

My Thoughts on Dead Ends by Tony Moyle

Check out the dedication page!!!!

Oh my goodness. When I turned on my kindle and saw this page, I started crying at work. Thank you so much, Tony! You are too kind! I’m SO glad we’ve connected and I am so honored to be on this page!

Next up was the “Notes from Book 2” section. I love that Tony adds a little section like this to get the reader back into in the story! This is such a useful addition!

I also really enjoyed that in the first few chapters, when we first see each character again, Tony finds the perfect way to give a little recap. Whether it was in an inner monologue the character has, during a conversation with another character, or simply in a quick summary in the narrative.

Speaking of characters, it was so great to see my favorites back again! Sandy was still power hungry and bossy. Roger was still a bit insufferable. Vicky was so condescending and funny. The sloth, Gary, was too funny! I loved seeing his dialogue and how his storyline progressed. Brimstone was perfect and hilarious! Nash was great! Scrumpy was so adorable! He is still one of my top favorites, especially when he was being a bit fresh with other characters! Grace was a bit quiet, as she mulled everything over. But man, when she had her speaking lines, they were so powerful! Ian was still an adorable mess.

There were also a bunch of new characters! My favorites have to be the sheets of paper that folded themselves into humanoid origami. These creatures were called the Accountants of Neutopia! The ones that panicked and folded themselves into planes or paper fortune tellers just cracked me up! I also loved how they poked fun at Accountant A being in charge, even though they had just come into being. Accountant M was my favorite! I loved how quick and witty he was! For example, in this exchange with Accountant A:

“Improvise.”
“With what?” asked M.
“Your minds.”
“My mind is logical. I don’t think it does improvisation. Isn’t that more of a creative thing?”
“God! M, you’re more inquisitive than a four year old.”
“Then it would appear I’m a quick developer.”
“You’re a pain in the arse.”

And lastly, I’ve said this before, but I will keep saying it for any novel that Tony uses this writing style in; I LOVE the way he begins some chapters seemingly out in left field, but then suddenly it jumps right back into the story and it all makes sense. For example here, chapter three. The first nine paragraphs are all about hospitals and the stressors that are related, all written out in a hysterical way. Then suddenly, we’re back in the story because a character is standing outside of a hospital. Just wonderful!

My Favorite Passages from Dead Ends

*WARNING, POTENTIAL SPOILERS BELOW*

In the beginning there was a bang. Apparently it was big. Not that anyone was there to witness it.

It was difficult for the ball to judge the size and scale of this deep quarry because, number one it was a ball of metal, and number two it didn’t have eyes. Which really didn’t explain why it knew a large hole was stretching out in front of him.

The football pitch was always a good unit of measurement. Everyone loved using it to measure anything that was bigger than… a football pitch.

“But you said you were an expert on endgames. That is why we brought you here. How can you be an expert if you don’t know why?”
“Sometimes in life you just have to accept what is happening because you can see that it is. Knowing why isn’t going to stop it…”

Every action that hastened their escape should have brought more calm, but the knowledge of what was potentially following them didn’t play by the rules. It didn’t respect boundaries or distance. Whatever space you put between you and it, it would never leave you. It stuck to their skin like a musty smell or permanent marker. They might get further away, but they would never be truly safe.

“What is it Master?” repeated Brimstone.
“NO! The full title. If you remember I have recently added to it.”
“What is it…” Brimstone sighed, “Master of Hell, Lord of the dec, Ruler of all reincarnates, Conqueror of the afterlife and Mightiest of all pigeons.”
“Now that wasn’t hard, was it?”
“Actually…”

“Improvise.”
“With what?” asked M.
“Your minds.”
“My mind is logical. I don’t think it does improvisation. Isn’t that more of a creative thing?”
“God! M, you’re more inquisitive than a four year old.”
“Then it would appear I’m a quick developer.”
“You’re a pain in the arse.”

On the conveyor belt of life things change before you’ve even noticed, and it affects everyone in different ways.

“Scrumpy, where are you going?”
“Exploring,” he replied looking a little confused by the question.
“For what exactly?”
“Who knows? That’s the whole point of exploring, you don’t know what you’re going to find until you go. Otherwise it would be called finding not exploring. Who knows what treasures and adventures are out there. It’s a whole new world of possibilities. Dragons, wizards, goblins, unprotected caves, fairies with mystical powers, a magic fountain…”

In a corner of St. Stephen’s Tavern, Byron nursed a Bloody Mary while Victor nursed his newly attached left foot. It functioned much like it had before, but would never again look good in a flip flop.

“You’re a bit fat for a Llama aren’t you?” said Red.
“Although you might expect me to be toned, I am in fact very big boned,” replied the Llama.
“You’re in a blow up plastic vessol, you haven’t got bones you weirdo,” said Red. “You must have wind.”

“A decent poem isn’t just about sticking words together that rhyme you know.”
“It’s not poetry it’s rap,” said the Llama.
“Well it definitely rhymes with rap.”

Your religious persuasions are also irrelevant. I don’t care if you identify yourself as a Muslim, Christian, Buddhist or Jedi.

“What do we do next?” said Nash.
“I’d like to be taller,” said Scrumpy looking at Grace. “If it’s not too much trouble, oh mighty one.”

“Is there anything you’ve ever failed at?” said Elsie.
“Of course not. I’m Sir Roger Montague the third Earl of Norfolk. I’m a legend in my own lifetime.”
“Although you’re dead,” added Vicky. “So you could say you failed at staying alive.”
“No, I’m not done with life yet. I’m just working on other projects.”
“Of course you are, you narcissistic fruit loop,” whispered Vicky.

The crowd murmured impatiently. They’d been expressly promised shocking revelations, fights, swearing and the dismantling of furniture. After two minutes, which was precisely thirty seconds longer than the average human being was willing to wait for anything these days, they’d witnessed none of it.

Life itself struggled to find a foothold, only the exceptional survivor, such as the geckos or the odd scorpion even tried.

He’s less effective than a handbreak on a canoe.

“Right. That’s settled then. What are you thinking about right now?”
Ian’s mind was currently thinking about how many kestrels you could fit in the average sized handbag. He thought it was about three. It didn’t seem immediately relevant to their situation.
“You really don’t want to know,” suggested Ian.

“Great,” he said in a tone of voice that suggested it was anything but.

Light grey clouds ran across the horizon, late for appointments with low pressure systems.

If Scrumpy had found London bemusing it was nothing compared to the intensity of New York City. He’d never seen so much glass. It was like the city was running a secret competition to see how much of it each building could use without falling over. There was almost as much glass as there were people.

Focus is difficult at the best of times. The world is crammed full of so many opportunities there is almost too much choice. Too much choice breeds prevarication, which in turn gives rise to a sense of paralysis as our torn anxiety struggles to make the right decision. As a result those great opportunities are ignored and are substituted by sitting on your arse eating potato chips and watching reality TV. It’s just a lot easier on body and brain.

No one likes wasps at the best of times. They have a habit of ruining BBQ’s by pissing in everyone’s beer and squatting on your beautifully cooked lamb kebab. No suitable deterrent has ever been invented for mitigating against the little sods. Their only purpose in life is to annoy humans, which is why they make perfect paratroopers.

Life, life is about the trials and tribulations. It’s about how your react to the disasters. It’s about the principles of what you stand for.

*END OF POTENTIAL SPOILERS*

My Final Thoughts on Dead Ends

I definitely recommend this series! It’s so much fun! I cannot wait to start them over again and read them each back to back!

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Thanks for reading!